Qatar Wedding, Part 4: Pomp

Photo courtesy of Monique Grzelska

Place setting at a Qatari wedding which allowed cameras

 (but photos could only be taken on one side of the room)

Women's Wedding in Qatar, Part 1: Invitation & Advice

Wedding in Qatar, Part 2: Wedding Preparation

Wedding in Qatar, Part 3: Circumstance

Wedding in Qatar, Part 4: Pomp

This particular marriage was arranged. The bride and groom had been legally married 3-6 months earlier. Rosa* wasn’t entirely certain when they were married but it seemed important because the entire evening she kept coming back to it. Out of the blue she would say, “No, no they have been married for 3 months. I think.” And 30 minutes later she would say, “No, 6 months. It’s been 6 months.” 

Whether it was 3 months or 6, the English word ‘engagement’ clumsily describes this stage of the union. Legally, the couple is married but they still live in their parents’ homes. At this point, if the couple chooses to separate, they will be legally divorced. Keeping in mind that up until the papers have been signed, the man and the woman will (likely) have not seen or spoken to one another even once, not even when signing the papers which legally bind them together. 

You must understand a bit about the culture to get a slight grasp on this. Traditionally Qatari men and women do not speak to each other. If a woman looks a man directly in the eyes, it is considered a sexual invitation. Men and women do not interact with the opposite sex outside of family members. Even in the house men and women are largely separate. Men have their own room to visit and women their own. If a non-family male comes into the women’s section the women will cover their hair and clothes with black cloth. To speak to someone of the opposite sex is to provide fodder for speculation. Imagine what a handshake can mean in this context.

As a commenter on Mimiz Blog said, “you never select your brothers/sisters but you love them and live with them, and u will never imagining living without them. (cant this apply to your wife?)”. 

I try to understand. But admit, I can’t come even close. My experience is limited; my reasoning one-sided and my mind bangs against cliches. But for the moment, that’s all I have to work with. And so I try. I try to not directly translate their traditions onto my life; I don’t try to imagine what my life would be like if my father had scoped the field for someone compatible for me. His choice would never have been mine. I do understand that parents usually want their children to marry someone who is from the same background. I can comprehend that parents feel more confident in their child’s marriage partner if their child chooses a partner that has the same religious background, grew up in a similar part of the country (the closer, often, the better), and even better if the parents know at least one person from the other family (no matter how far removed). Parents aren’t always the self-giving lot they’re made out to be. They don’t only want their children to be happy; they want their own happiness, as well. Few parents rejoice if their child marries someone from a different culture. 

Only about 1% of Qatari’s marry foreigners. Of that 1% most are men. Qatari women are less likely to marry a foreigner because children acquire citizenship from their father not their mother. So if a Qatari woman marries a Mexican man, their children will be Mexican citizens, not Qatari, which means the children will not receive any of the substantial benefits that Qatari nationals receive, such as a piece of land from the government when they marry.

Rosa is in the 1%. She met her Qatari husband when they were both students in the United States. His parents did not accept their relationship. They wanted him to come home and marry a Qatari girl. He’d been together with Rosa for 8 years . He told them either Rosa came with him or he wouldn’t come at all. As Rosa says, “They had no choice but to accept me. But I am not Qatari and although they include me, among Qatari's I will never be an insider.” 

Unlike Rosa and her Qatari husband, most arranged marriages are initiated when someone “feels that it is time to get married”. The family, usually the mother, begins to subtly ask around if there is someone else who is also “ready to get married”. The age when this happens is increasing.  Rosa says, “People are waiting until they are older. Now woman will wait until they are 23 to get married.” When she says this I almost choke on my chocolate praline. 23 is older?

Increasingly, men are looking for women who are “more mature” —  around 27 or 28. The older women have the reputation of being more settled and less flitty. Many women delay marriage until after they have finished a University degree and perhaps have worked a few years. Before the next wedding season begins most of them will have a baby.

During the engagement period and the couple is legally married they are permitted to see each other. Depending on the family, they might be able to be alone together. She may cook him food. They will talk. I know you’re wondering, so I’ll tell you, they will not touch during this time. Depending on the family, the two parties (can they really be called a couple?) will not go out in public. They usually see each other in the bride’s home. It is very private, like staid dating, except legally if they decide to break up at this point, it is a divorce. Which happens. This leads to what Mimiz Blog calls a “false divorce”, a divorce between two people who have done nothing more than speak to each other for a few weeks.  

During the engagement period, if they decide they can stand each other, the families begin to plan a public announcement of their marriage (not that everyone doesn’t already know about it). This happens anywhere from 6 weeks to 6 months after the legal documents are signed. That is where the party I am attending comes in. It is the public announcement from bride and groom’s families that their two families now have a legal connection to one another. 

At 10 pm we are still waiting for the bride to arrive. For two hours I’ve watched the women in my line of vision work the room. Far as I can tell it involves lots of cheek kissing, hand shaking, pleasantry talking. Even though it's kind of monotonous, I’m glad I can just sit. Except after sitting a couple hours I need to stand. Not knowing where else to go I excuse myself to walk to the bathroom. As soon as I stand up a couple hundred women turn their heads and watch me walk halfway across the room. I can tell they are talking about me by the heads nodding in my direction. I focus on keeping my feet firmly on the floor, my shoulders back, and my stomach in.

Although keeping stomachs tucked in doesn’t seem to be valued nearly as much here as in the States. You can’t help but notice that the dresses the women chose accentuate all their curves. I don't know where curves fit in the Qatari fashion scale. Is it a case of the more the merrier or is it more a matter of saying take it or leave it? 

The bride finally arrives at 10:30. She looks completely strained. Rosa says all brides look like that. Not because they are unhappy but because they’re concentrating on walking. She walks down the runway with hundreds of eyes on her. The point is to impress. It is quite impressive — she doesn’t trip. When she finally reaches the end of the runway, she stands facing us. All eyes are on her. That takes nerves. Then comes something I would have never imagined. As she stands, friends and family take turns coming to her. They stand so close to her that I’m sure she can feel their breath on her face. The women open their golden bags. They’ve haven’t filled them with lipstick or toothbrushes. They’ve filled their clutches with money. Pulling out handfuls of riyal bills, the women congratulate the bride while throwing the money directly at her face or sprinkling it on top of her head, then put their hands in the clutch for more. The bride doesn’t flinch. Around her assistants stoop to collect the money as quickly as they can and stuff it into a bag. The money goes to the band. Depending on the contract, the band’s only payment is the money they collect from the floor. This goes on for what seems like 30 minutes. 

She finally sits on the sofa placed center stage. The congratulations continue. Now women dance on the runway for the bride either before or after congratulating the bride and raining money over her head. The dance is a smooth sliding walk. The women’s arms move like snakes through the air. When they dance they don’t look at each other; just glide past one another, sometimes pausing to sync with another woman but they never touch. It is curious how they all dance alone yet move as a group with almost identical steps. 

The bride continues to have money rained down upon her face. The women that approach her while she is sitting are her closer friends and family. Some have their photo taken with the bride. Such lengths had been taken to keep all cameras out of the room but the entire proceedings are being filmed and photographed by a professional. I am told there is often another photographer at the wedding so guests can pay to have their pictures taken with their friends as a souvenir. There isn’t one here, which clearly disappoints Rosa and some of the other women at our table.  

Around 11:30 women start leaving the hall. They return with their abayas. The groom is arriving. He comes with his father and brothers as well as the brides father and brothers. The bride stands and she too covers her hair with a veil. The transformation is jarring. Within minutes the room that had been filled with a dancing rainbow is a still, black mass.

I know I shouldn’t but I find it insulting that hundreds of women must cover themselves because a few men are entering the room. It feels like the men are intruding. If they aren’t supposed to see the women, well, fine but couldn’t they be made to wear blinders instead of making the women cover their glorious clothes and hair? The groom enters and walks down the runway towards his bride.

As he walks women come up to congratulate him and throw money on his face. In spite of the women standing just one step ahead of him, he never stops but continues at a stately pace. They stand so close I expect someone will trip and cause the whole entourage to collapse.  It takes him almost five minutes to walk from one end of the room to the other. There he stands next to the bride. They do not look at each other. They do not touch each other. They stand so far away from each other that a baby would fit in the space between them. It’s family photo time. But, of course, only the official photographer is taking photos. 

Eventually all the men leave except for the groom. There are no official words spoken. No vows exchanged. No jewelry changes hands. The groom and the bride sit on the sofa together, still not touching, still not looking. At some point the bride has removed her veil. For the first time she is uncovered when with a man who is not her father or brother. I wonder what that feels like. Besides the 3 of us non-Muslim women, she is the only woman whose head is not covered. Although this is significant it was not done ceremoniously. Or maybe it was and I just didn’t notice. That’s the thing with weddings (& other celebrations), the symbols are only significant in the culture which creates them.

It is almost midnight when the buffet is opened. At the buffet guests pile food on their plates, tasting the dishes as they go along. Since the groom is still in the room the women remain veiled. He doesn’t stay long. Soon after  the buffet is opened, the bride and groom leave, walking back down the runway, this time together. They will go to a hotel room and be completely alone for the first time. They may look each other in the eye. They may touch. Talk about pressure.

As soon as the groom leaves the women unveil again but somehow the atmosphere doesn’t return to it’s previous color.  Within 30 minutes, half of the room has left and the party mostly over. We finish eating, say good-bye to Rosa with one-kiss and leave. I hadn’t made a fool of myself after all — far as I know, anyway.

Dear Faithful Reader,

I figure if you've made it this far you deserve to see a photo:

JustKooki.Blogspot.com

Not what you expected? Told you the photo was bad and you couldn't see anything. Here's a re-enactment without the Versace scarf and the beaded clutch because they'd already been returned to their owners. Also without my glasses and braces showing because then I look like a clown; I'm appreciative of the no camera policy at the wedding.

JustKooki.Blogspot.com

*Name changed